It’s possible that I’ve been thinking of suicide
more often, but knowing myself pretty well,
it’s clear that I don’t have the drive to do it.
Throughout my life I’ve fantasized different ways
that I would, but never got to the actual planning stage.
Now, at the tail end of middle age, my biggest fear
is old age and the diminishing capacity that comes
with it, as well as acquiring some drawn out illness
that makes me suffer even more.
The best I can hope for is to one day go to sleep
and have it end sometime during the night,
as if it all was a dream. . .